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11:17 a.m. - 2001-04-09
Oh the Horrah

The Airport, Oh the Horror!

Well, Friday, while hungover, my family and I (I was the only one hungover, btw) drove aaaaaaaaaall the way to a shithole airport to pick up Shells. (Not the crustacion, the DO you spell it?) My husband, perpetually I will call him Turtle. Turtle tells me an hour before her flight arrives that "we have time." Ok, let me tell you an unknown fact. I live an hour plus from this airport. Not only do I live over an hour away, but then you have to park 1 mile away and run like hell, hoping that some NY driver doesn't nail ya w/ the car. (No, I'm not in's an analogy) Anyways...

We get there, sign in hand (told her I'd make a sign), trying to bribe my way through the security checker thingy. Finally, we get through and have to run the cattle shoot (w/ sheetrock separating the two sides, I guess, in an effort to keep everyone "to the right" in school during a firedrill. We get to the gates (at this point I'm about 10 gates from where she was arriving....KNOWING she had already landed and hoping to God some Rastifarian didn't hoist her and sell her for pot money.) But, from what I'm told, she encountered a barking man, so I guess it's close enough.

So, Turtle and Lil Turtle (number #2 son came w/) decided to take the moving walkways, THE WHOLE TIME, which slowed down my jog w/ the big sign.

FINALLY I see her, amidst my dry contacts, which suffered from the perpetual dust bowl in that airport. Or, at least I *think* I took home the right person. For all I know she coulda been a stowaway on the airplane, coming off knowing she'd be claimed by someone. So, she's here for the week.

So far we've....

gotten *Drunk* (more me than her) at a Little League party (some fundraiser...whoa mama), where she complained that everyone had *big hair* and *tawked like dis*...meanwhile, everyone was so drunk that they kept asking her if they had an accent. It was just thrills and chills the whole time, I tell ya!

During this dance, we fended off fat, scary, drunk men w/ gropey hands who insisted we dance to some disco music (have I mentioned that DISCO IS DEAD??). NOthing like having my h.s. prom all over again. WHOA!!

Then, we go home, where I ask for hot wings b/c I'm so fucked at this time that I can't even speak correctly. (Something about 4 coronas, 4 jello shots and a shit mix....dont' ask, all I know is that it was fruity yet STRONG!)

No, I didn't get "bud mud" or anything like that. I was kinda queasy but I soon overcame that when we ATE CHICKEN MCNUGGETS AT WALMART. Oi

Later on Sunday, before we goto Walmart, we become addicted to Eco-Challenge. If you haven't seen it, and you are faint of me a favor.


Unless you wanna see semi-goodlooking men and manly women race to see who can be the most insane-mudcovered-leech-infested-injured-sickly-dehydrated-and-smelly folks from 23 different countries in Borneo.

Ok, does anyone actually LIVE in Borneo?

Well, around 3pm, we finally got cleaned up and out the door (hungover=no showering and sleeping all day on the couch) to meet my friend for a trip to Walmart.

whoooooooodoggie, was that fun.

I think we were on the verge of being ejected from Walmart. Not only did we touch everything for sale (the clerks were too young, sorry), but we discovered that the fish at Walmart had been dropping like flies. (no pun intended) The saleschild was so freaked out that he insisted that he wasn't permitted to "sell us" the fish because they were dying. NO kidding, I thought, I thought they were trained to float upside down and have other fish feast off their flesh. Who woulda thought...

So, my two knuckle-headed friends start chanting (barely 5 feet from the scares salesinfant) "Walmart mistreats their fish..." and insisted that they were going to protest outside. Well, I'm a bandwagon kinda person at times, so I yell out.....ASPCA!!

Well, it wasn't quite as funny now....but it was sure damn funny then. So, following this we left.

Walmart that is.

And, today we shall embark on a new adventure. Somewhere. Trailed by two lil boys who constantly ask for food. (YES, I feed them...NO, they don't act like it.)

Sheesh, ya give em a cracker and a glass of water and you'd think they'd be satisfied.

Tsk tsk

Ok, tah tah for now....


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