11:07 a.m. - 2001-07-05
Summer Vacation, Park 1
Ok, I'm bored. Just so you know.
I'm starting my summer session course (teaching it) on Monday. I'm a bit nervous. Probably because the person who taught it last year has all the stuff and hasn't passed the torch onto me. That's ok, I'm writing my own lessons and activities. I hate using other people's stuff anyways. I have 22 inner city and low-level (i.e. learning style) youth from NY, NJ, PA, and wherever else they find them. I've worked with this department for about 4 years or more, usually tutoring or assisting with running the program. I've never taught it. I guess I could, since I teach during the rest of the year. One thing tho, next summer I am not killing myself to work.
I just got an email from my mother. She rules the roost in guilt, shame and temper. I didn't celebrate the 4th w/ them...well, because we didn't. They chose church people to hang out with, as usual. I don't particularly feel comfortable there. They're always trying to convert me or something...or reinvent the wheel. Something like that.
I think that the longer they stay in that church, the more distant we become. I've been rejected so often for these people, because they "pray for and support" my parents. These people don't get to see my parents at home, without a church audience. They yell at one another, throw things, my dad threatens everyone and gets nasty, mom has her "evil" moods...
that's what I grew up with. Trying to become close to them in my adult life has been no more than a painful struggle.
I don't know how to approach it anymore. If I come out and tell them how I feel, I'm a sinner on the road to hell and they share my WHOLE life story with their church friends who then go on a massive prayer vigile for my soul.
If I dont' say a thing and keep my distance, mom sends me nasty emails or better yet, snail mail, describing how offensive my behavior is to them. Then they have a massive prayer vigile to save my soul.
I can't ever catch a break.
I'm so envious of friends who have even mediocre relationships w/ their parents. I hate that they push me aside so that they can be seen as "holy" or something like that. I am always told "no" when it comes to doing things because... well, dammit, Christian people are just more fun than me, I guess.
And, dad, well... hard to describe him. He's a gruff man, not very lovable, usually offensive, yells at me for basically nothing my whole life, and used my brother and myself as verbal and physical punching bags. Then, one day, he becomes Born-Again. Does his demeanor change towards me? Nope. It does improve with other people tho.
How do I deal with this dyfunctional family? I don't go see them. We're only 30 minutes apart, and they never call me to say hi. I'm the one who has to call and when I do, I get the guilt for not coming by. I work 2 jobs during the summer and 2 during the winter. I have 2 kids, 5 sports for the year, I coach and my husband works 6 days a week. I think the odds of them coming by my house instead would be better. But they don't. They don't want to drive. They're usually hanging out w/ the church folks, laying hands or whatever. I don't particularly mind that. I do mind being put second to them. Sometimes even third.
Conversations with them suck. I can't tell them about school or work because they cut me off and tell me about who just "got saved" or what wonderous thing the pastor did.
I used to go to that church. I hated the people. They were always nice to your face then backstabbed you. The last pastor was cheating on his wife w/ a woman MY age who had 2 kids and was single. She had big boobs, I think that's what it was. I loved his wife and kids. He, on the other hand, will remain a dirtbag to me. His father was MY pastor. The church has nose-dived since. I don't recall people being like that when he was alive.
When he died, I took it personally. He knew me before I had my kids. He was there for me when I was a single mom on welfare whose baby's father didn't care about her and tried to ruin her life. He married my husband and I. He gave me advice when I told him I wanted to go back to college. He was like a grandfather to me. I never had a grandfather. He was as good as it got. He never rushed you out of his office. He'd invite you over for tea. He would hug you when you needed a hug and always talked gently. I never had that in my life. He was special to me. That's why I haven't gone back to church in years. Everyone after him is less than spectacular and is always riding the popularity tide of Pastoring. Highly visible, always spectacular, and everyone worships them. That's what my parents call pastor.
I'm gonna lay low til I have to goto work tonite. Maybe mom will calm down before then.