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1:14 a.m. - 2001-08-26
Insomnia Part XXVIII

he's home

my son has survived a near-week w/ satan. He TOLD him to take him straight home from the airport (someone's haaaad enough of saaaaaatan......)

Needless to say...

While he was gone... we painted his room, did a sky scene on the ceiling, shifted all furniture, and actually cleaned his room.

Did I rest? No

Have I slept well? No

I think I'm losing it.

I'm still waiting for some people to return the email I sent. I hate that. When I email someone, I expect a response w/in a reasonable amount of time. Not 2 weeks. Not 3 months. What is wrong with people? I KNOW they are on their puters a lot. Hell, one works FOR a computer company.

People are rude and inconsiderate. I email you back, usually within 24 hours (unless its a fwd:fwd:, then I just ignore it, b/c it doesn't count).

Then, the Math teacher calls me yesterday with some more wonderful news. My buddy in my dept quit. So she says. He emailed me today and he said he was floating (and thought i would have my own room). I'm waiting for his response to my.....you have 3 rooms? hell so do i... email.

If he leaves (and he didn't say a word about leaving), I'll die a slow and agonizing death. I don't trust grapevines. I want to say to him, "Hey, so-and-so says you're leaving... is it true?" or "Rumor is, you're gone...what gives?" But... I'm keeping my promise to not say a word. Damn math teacher isa gossip hound. She actually CALLED ME tonite to see if my buddy emailed me. At the time it was no. I wouldn't tell her if he DID email me by then. B/c I know she'll run to whoever gave her the "he quit" info and counter-act it.

God, I hate politics.

I also hate not wanting to sleep.

All day I swore that something was going to happen. My son was flying back, and I did everything I could NOT to play that "Final Destination" theme in my mind.

Wanna know what started it? Mom called me this morning. Her cell kicked out. 20 minutes later she called me from my gramma's house. She said that I called her and said (and I quote), "It's (my name) and (my dead brother's name) is here."

Now, I know I'm losing it... but I DID NOT call my mother today. She called me. Several times. None of which connected until she called from gramma's. (In other words, she kept trying her cell and it'd kick out when I answered...leaving me to think it was a prank call b/c the caller id wasn't showing any numbers.)

Totally freaky weird...

She still swears I called her to say that.

Wait til the phone bill comes in, I told her, and I'll be vindicated.

I'm still weirded out. That's what started that thought process about the flight. I did everything I could to thwart any possible thoughts of crashing. I hate flying. I hate it even more when my son is on it with Satan's shoe polisher. It makes me ill.

I tried to sleep or get busy today, but all I could do was work on my website (updates updates) and sleep.

I'm a pathetic person at times. I get depressed and I gain a gazillion lbs, get bags under my eyes b/c I can't sleep, let my hair do whatever (atm its tied back again ...) and go w/o makeup and bitch and moan all day.

Or, I sleep.

Or, I combine them equally so that no part of me is jealous from the other... or something like that.

I'm dreading school starting. I HAD been excited to see what this year would hold, but I can't get that damned feeling that "I'm next to go" out of my head. I'm told that I'm being ridiculous. I probably am, but hell if I know wtf is going on there. I'm suddenly feeling anxious, cautious, worried, and pathetically retarded (no pun on anyone h/c'd or otherwise....this is my SLANG).

*sighs*

I talked to a friend yesterday (online) who majored in psych and can give me an unbiased suggestion b/c she never met me irl but knows me pretty well (if that's possible).

She said I need to take a day for myself.

When I do, I work, read, write lessons I'll never use, play games on the puter, or sleep. I have *NO* motivation to do anything... tho I do have spurts of energy, unfortunately, they strike while I'm sleeping.

Well.......time to try another method to bore myself so I want to goto sleep (perhaps I'll read or something).

Well, nite for now (hopefully)

 

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