7:39 p.m. - Sunday, Sept. 16, 2001
I'm not sure if its only me, or if its a general feeling among the American public, but dammit, i feel violated. Violated, as in, someone broke into my home (which I would see as safe and secure) and went thru my personal items. I'm edgy. I have knots in my stomach. I want to cry, but not sure why. Everytime I see a plane, I get shaky. I want to cry when I see too many planes. And, for goodness sakes... The news has me captivated.
I think I'm suffering from PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). I've never felt so uneasy all of the time. I can't sleep, and when I do, I wake up w/ EVERY sound. I'm more attuned to every freakin noise I hear. I'm even jumpy when the phone rings.
I wasn't even IN NYC or w/in eye-shot.
I didn't have anyone know die. I do have a cousin at ground zero, so I'm told, who's a NYC steam fitter and helping look for people. That didn't help. Probably what added insult to injury, my friends... most of which I've known for 5 years, are NYPD (some of the security guys from my concert job). I haven't heard from them. I msg'd one's phone from the net. He got it, but never responded. That's after emailing him three times to just grunt or something and let me know he's ok. nothing. Selfish bastard. I hope he gets a papercut on his whanker.
He's always selfish, but in light of everything that's happening, you'd think he'd be considerate.
All this wrapped up into some weird fascination w/ this whole damned experience... have made me what I've described before. Its my fault I feel this way. I'm too emotional. I always watch the news. I read papers. I check the net.
But still... I can't get those poor people on the plane out of my mind. Its almost haunting me. In a weird way.
Well, in the next few days we'll know whether we'll be wearing special suits to keep us from glowing, or not.
I hope our president uses discretion, secrecy, and force, but doesn't compromise our safety any more.