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12:55 a.m. - Sunday, Oct. 14, 2001
realizations

My stark realization

...is that I'm afraid of finding a new job. With all the headaches and stresses that make me WANT a new job, I find it difficult to actually get up the nerve to go out and find one. I'm tired of many things, but most of all, I'm tired of feeling alone at my job. I thought teaching meant teamwork. Apparently, it does not. Now, it means, watch your back because someone's always trying to one-up you. It's a sad world when teachers, whose sole purpose (supposedly) is to help kids and teach them, become something you despise. Liars and gossip-hounds.

It breaks my heart to say this, but... with what I've been through in the past year plus... it makes me never want to teach again.

Sad, isn't it?

Especially when teaching is all I've thought about since h.s., is what drove me to graduate college w/ two kids and a husband, and is what makes me smile when I tell people what I do for a living.

But...

I want to know when exactly I'll start to enjoy going to work. That's all I want to know.

I do know something, though... I know not to trust one living soul at work (this job or any). Not that I gossip, because I don't... it just seems that when certain people DO, they drag my name along w/ their's.

That's my fault. I blame myself for expecting people to treat me like I treat them... Nicely and with respect. I guess being nice doesn't always work. Being cordial doesn't either.

I thought that I'd stay in my room and cut down on socializing so that I could get more work done (b/c now I have a prep in my room). It seems that the more I stay away from the action, the more trouble I get dragged into. I'm not sure if its the same way at other schools, but I'm tired of it. I'm tired of people who aren't "straight" with you, and tend to use you as a shield when the shit comes down on them.

Am I in trouble? Not sure. I do know that whatever people are saying about me, it differs from that of the kids. They at least know where I'm coming from.

I really want another job. The boss thinks that I'm leaving. He just gave me the idea, because before, I never thought about it. Ok, I'm off a little. I did, but not seriously. Now I'm serious.

I'm tired of being lied to, of not being "backed," not being protected, not being taken seriously. I'm not stupid, but I feel as though I am slowly losing my grip. I'm losing things, forgetting things, and don't have a clear mind. I got sick earlier this year than last. I'm always tired. Man, I hope I don't have mono. How would I know? I don't even know the symptoms.

Anyway...

Basically, its this way. I'm tired of being tired about being tired because I'm tired. That, and feeling alone. My job is lonely. Yes, I have about 120 kids in my classes, so I shouldn't feel that way. But, alas, I do. Without proper guidance and support, even the most secure people can feel alone.

If anyone needs a h.s. history teacher, lemme know. My requirements are as such: strong administration that backs its teachers, a faculty that is supportive and shares, and students who, on a whole, are given the impression that its NOT ok to fail. I have way too many students who are reinforced to fail. Its not my feelings they harbor, b/c I spend 1/2 the classtime encouraging them. Its the feeling that others have paved the way for me to have to deal with someone who's so bend on destruction, failure, and being less than adequate. My hopes are so much hirer for them. But, I'm also a realist. (I hate being a dreamer and a realist. They never work together.)

So, is it moral to save the ship w/ the people in tact, or let the ship sink if it works for the better whole? That, I'm not sure about. If you know, enlighten me, ok?

Its sad. That's all I know.

 

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