10:17 p.m. - Sunday, Oct. 21, 2001
Waves of Depression
Lately, a lot, for a long while, I've been depressed.
I want to sleep all the time. I'm always tired. I'm melacholy (sp). I'm stressed. I want to cry but can't. And more.
I can't totally contribute it all to my job, though, I'm sure most of it is.
It hits me in waves. I wonder if this is normal. If it all didn't sound so inane to me, I'd actually find a therapist. I want to visit a therapist, but no one takes me serious. I've explained how I can't get my head above water (emotionally) and everyone contributes it to pms (UGH!!) or stress from work. I can't relax, always am tense, and feel guilty for letting things bother me this much.
I'm tense b/c the kid who harassed me is coming back from suspension this week.
I'm tense b/c the prosecutor's office is waiting for me to decide his fate.
I'm tense b/c I trust no one at work (this year shoulda been banner for me).
I'm tense b/c I feel guilty for ALWAYS working and not spending time w/ my kids. (I know they'll confront me when they're older, blaming me for their problems)
I'm tense b/c I wish I had a relationship w/ my parents that's aside from hi and bye.
I'm tense b/c I hate feeling tense.
I'm tense b/c all I do is work.
I'm tense b/c I have no social life and when I do, I find myself talking about work (b/c i HAVE no life, therefore, nothing's interesting)
I'm tense b/c my best friend is moving soon to a faraway state and I won't ever see her again.
I'm tense b/c I have regrets.
I'm tense b/c I know I won't be sleeping well tonite.
I'm tense b/c I suck and there's nothing I can do about it. (Trust me)
I'm tense b/c grad school will be starting in the Spring and I'm terrified.
I'm tense b/c the prom stuff hasn't been done and I'm fretting.
I'm tense b/c everyone expects so MUCH out of me and I keep letting them down.
I'm tense b/c I can't think straight.
I'm tense b/c I can't stop apologizing for not thinking straight.
I'm tense b/c I blame myself for faulty relationships and bad luck.
I'm tense b/c I'm afraid something's going to happen to me (b/c we NEVER made a will) and my husband will lose my older son to Satan (biological sperm donor).
I'm tense b/c I feel guilty for my son having to visit his father every fucking weekend.
I'm tense b/c I have to DEAL w/ his fucking father every goddamn weekend.
I'm tense b/c my mother reminds me of my dead brother and how great he was.
I'm tense b/c mom gives me shit for not being at my grandmother's house EVERY WEEKEND (she lives over 1 1/2 hours away)
I'm tense b/c mom is a bitch to me and I swear she tells people I'm a heathen.
I'm tense b/c I thought I didn't care what she thought of me.
I'm tense b/c I'm criticized constantly by my parents.
I'm tense b/c they hate me and don't have the guts to announce it fully.
I'm tense b/c my relationship w/ my husband isn't as great as I wish it were.
I'm tense for a thousand more reasons... (honest)
So, there ya have it... I'm tense.