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10:34 a.m. - Saturday, Oct. 27, 2001
Lil Engine

Just chugging along

I've been through a lot lately (not to mention the "lil" visitor I had on my g/b) and I'm genuinely tired. I have SO much to do today, yet all I want to do is nothing. I've earned nothing. At least I believe I have.

I'm not exactly sure what to say now that I know people who shouldn't be reading this are. Rather, people I don't want to read this are finding humor is reading this hoping for something that won't occur.



Have you ever dreamt something, only to wake up and consider it a real event? Last night I had a dream and when I woke up I was angry at someone. All week long I'm trying to remember my dreams so that we could discuss them in class at school. THese kids are wimpy. I share my dream, 1-3 kids share their's, and everyone swears they don't dream. I'm taking "Consciousness" out of my class for next year. They don't want to participate, then we don't do it. Its no fun when only a few do it. When I was an undergrad, the kids all were dying to do the dream journals. THese kids don't want to do anything. Laaaaaaazy. Honestly.

Back to the dream:

I hate knowing who people are but not seeing their faces. Freud has definitions for dreams, most are sexual. That won't help me. I don't want a sexed up porno definition of my dream. I want to know why I keep having stress-dreams that cause me to want to smack someone when I wake up.

My interpretation:

Someone's pissed me off and now I'm dreaming about it (negatively, not positively), which gives me the conclusion that I NEED A LIFE.


I am successfully hiding today from school. They want me to work at EVERY sporting event, EVERY dance, EVERY freaking social event. I had to say "no" at least a dozen times this week. I'm usually the one who will put in a lot of extra time with the kids. I'm finding that this year, I need more time w/ my family. I've been taking home less work. I've been spending less quality time w/ my computer and more quality time w/ my kids. We even played LIFE last night (on the floor, w/ my sore knee....happy joy).

I won.


I don't usually play board games because they cheat. My brother used to do that, and it made me annoyed. So, in order to avoid the frustration of lil ones cheating, I opt to cheerlead instead of playing.


I did something SO nice, for a change, today. Rather, it'll be on Monday. I called a florist in my mother's town and ordered a huge basket of flowers for her anniversary on Monday. Problem: I didn't forsee this, but, the florist closes before they get home from work. NO neighbors are home during the day (well, that I would trust w/ their arrangement). So, I tell her that I have to call her back.


News at 11

He will rush to their house, following the field trip w/ my lil one (that I couldn't go ON b/c I am giving a huge freakin review for a test I'm giving...*whines*cries*whines*), to my mom's in time to greet the florist and put the flowers on her table so she can see them upon her return home.


(that was SOME run-on sentence)

So... I have hopefully done something right for a change. I sent their anniversary card a week early and dad was pissed b/c it was early. Shoot me. Better yet, papercut me to death with the damned card that I neglected to SEND LATE for a change, as usual, but instead sent EARLY to ensure it would GET there before NOVEMBER. Sheesh. For goodness sakes, accept the fact that I thought of you both. (Considering you're always telling me how selfish I am.)



I don't want to be them ... or be like them towards MY kids. I want my kids to love me more than I love my parents. Or even kinda like them. And, let me never be a distant relative to them (tho this is a dominant gene in my family, I'm bound to acquire or develop the following: bitchiness (there now), temper (control it mostly), insanity (not yet, but I see symptoms), insulting wit (so, I'm NOT a Christian, where's the LOVE?), and domineering control freak status (um... my husband is trying to break that characteristic).

I just wish my parents took a vested interest in me ALL of the time, as opposed to when they deem it necessary to act parental. I know I've been out of the house for 8 years, but you'd think that being their ONLY child they'd want to spend time w/ me without preaching AT me or comparing me to some kid they "adopted" from their church who is so much better than I am... and will goto heaven with them.

Such a freakin bummer, I tell ya. They used to be cool when they drank and fought all the time. Now they just preach and fight. Talk about inconsistent.

Anyone want to adopt me? I'm independent, self-sufficient, educated, and already had my wedding and college taken care of. Anyone? How about just for one monthly phonecall? Shit. Didn't think so.

Oh well.

I'll survive.


Reminds me of a Gloria Gaynor song:

I Am What I Am

I am what I am

I am my own special creation

So come take a look

Give me the hook or the ovation

It's my world

That I want to have a little pride in

My world

And it's not a place I have to hide in

Life's not worth a damn

Till you can say

I am what I am

I am what I am

I don't want praise I don't want pity

I bang my own drum

Some think it's noise I think it's pretty

And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle

Why not try to see things from a different angle

Your life is a sham

Till you can shout out

I am what I am

I am what I am

And what I am needs no excuses

I deal my own deck

Sometimes the aces sometimes the deuces

It's one life and there's no return and no deposit

One life so it's time to open up your closet

Life's not worth a damn till you can shout out

I am what I am

I am what I am

I am what I am

And what I am needs no excuses

I deal my own deck sometimes the aces sometimes the deuces

It's one life and there's no return and no deposit

One life so it's time to open up your closet

Life's not worth a damn till you can shout out

I am what I am

Oh I am

Oh I am

I am, I am, I am good

I am, I am, I am strong

I am, I am, I am worthy

I am, I am, I belong

Ooh ooh ooh ooh I am

I am, I am, I am useful

I am, I am, I am true

I am, I am somebody

I am as good as you, ah ha

Ah ha, yes I am


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