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3:59 p.m. - Saturday, Nov. 24, 2001


My perspective about death is this: I don't want to die, will do anything I can to prevent it, and if I go, I want my kids and husband to go w/ me so they won't have to live a life of suffering w/o me.


I don't care. Because, I am. I know that my death will happen w/ me alone sometime in the future. I'm not ready to die, nor am I so believing of an afterlife. Its too perfect to have one. Do we really know where we go? Or, is it for comfort after losing a loved one that "we will see them again one day?"

If you know you're just about to die and that you have a choice, why do you choose to go? (Movies make it seem like a choice, don't they?)

If I knew with certainty what was out there, I might feel more ...hmm... accepting of death. I don't want to die a painful death. I don't want to die at the hands of a gruesome bastard w/ a vengance (I'd be the one fighting while she died...). Nor do I want to be in a plane when its the pilots' time to go or when someone thinks its beneficial to take everyone with them. Sorry. I don't think so. You want to crash a plane, let me off first. Better yet, I just won't go ON your fucking plane. How's that?

When you're faced w/ someone dying... how do you react?

I can't cry anymore. I feel numb. Antisceptic. People probably view me as insensitive. I'm not. I *do* cry. I just can't cry when everyone else is looking (cept when my gramma, brother, and friend died). I don't like people using someone's funeral to try to "save" people, push religion on them, or sell products (business-talk).

Never say I'm insensitive tho... b/c I'm not. I feel guilty for not feeling bad about death. I do feel bad, but I'm not good at showing it totally. Needless to say...

R.I.P. J.O. 11/23/01


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