8:46 a.m. - Wednesday, Dec. 12, 2001
Life among Jackasses
Living among jackasses.
That's going to be the title of my auto-biography. Why? Because of this past SAturday. Because of my neighbor's Xmas party. Because of something I experienced. Because I never experienced something like that. Because it made me afraid for the first time.
Someone who is very close to me got drunk, again. Not only did they get drunk, but they became abusive and violent towards me. Only me. Why? I'm not sure. I wish I knew. I've been blaming myself for their behavior. I know that's wrong. Call me, "Ms. Enabler No More."
How do you deal w/ a person who doesn't think they have a problem? Or, better yet, won't fess up to the problem? Or, even still, makes empty apologies that I know don't mean a thing, only to be a repeat offender.
Today, I've decided something. Its not my fault what other people do. I can't be the Mother Teresa of my life and I can't let others around me think I perpetuated this behavior.
I realized this morning that I'm in denial of another person's problems. I *want* to do something, but am not sure how. Others around this person might not realize the severity of their problem.
Just a short while ago, 3 years to be exact, I was getting lectured on my behavior. I was being told that I've changed. I also can put a drink down. I also can go for months without even having one, craving one, or abusing one.
I don't even really like to drink. Every once in a while I may. But I can stop and I can say no.
This person close to me can not. They didn't even realize that during the party, that they started stumbling and knocking things over. They were harassing me. So, I brought them back to their home. There I received the most brutal verbal thrashing and near-physical of my whole entire life. I dealt w/ a raging violent drunk. One who didn't remember the next day what they said, did, or threw. A violent raging drunk, who for the first time, exhibited behaviors totally opposite of their norm. For the first time, I was afraid.
The stress still sticks with me, 4-5 days after the fact. I can't trust them. As a matter of fact, I'm the ONLY one who knows about this. Their parents don't know. I almost called their mother. But, alas, I didn't.
Why? Because I would've been to blame. I always am. Its because of me and my need to be an individual that gets me in trouble. Do I get drunk? No, I hate that feeling. But, if I did, is it their business? No.
That's the fodder that would come bite me in the ass. Because these parents would blow it out of proportion (my situation) and blame me for their child's discretion. Their child who I doubt and can't trust. The child I feel uneasy around. The child who totally changed my views of them.
Its my fault. Inevitably it always will be.
I can't go out now, for fear that this person will do it again. I must go empty all the booze, destroy the bottles, and watch them like a hawk.
Its not like I don't have anything else to do.
I mentioned an alcohol abuse counselor.
I was "yeah yeah" to death. I also heard enough of the "i'm a jackass, i suck, i ruined your life," speech. I can only listen to it once.
Do something about it.
I'm not your mother, sister, or keeper.
I'm someone trying to keep the rest of my life together.
Do you blame me for the way that you are? If so, I'd like to know HONESTLY what you feel, because that night in the garage, the rage was all for me.
If you didn't secretly hate me, why would you drunkenly come after me?
I don't run.
I didn't run.
I am cautious now. Watch yourself.