8:41 a.m. - Thursday, Dec. 13, 2001
Day 6, still suffering
Today, I feel less better than yesterday or the day before. This anger is lingering. I don't want to talk to "them" nor do I want to interact in any way.
Last night I went to dispose of the "stuff" that I found in the fridge (8 beers, 3 winecoolers). They were gone. I asked w/o looking what happened to them? I was told that they were disposed of in the recyclables. I looked and didn't see a thing. Probably another lie since I can't trust "them" anymore.
I almost told my mother last night. She came from my lil one's Xmas concert (which btw, had NO xmas songs... tho the one about Martha Stewart was sorta cute). I wanted to so badly. But, unfortunately, my mother isn't the one you want to goto for advice.
I emailed her, in an antiseptic way, asking her how to deal w/ someone I know who has a problem. She thought it was me. *sighs* NO! Its NOT me. Dammit. (See? See?)
Then she said it couldn't be "so and so" because "so and so" is great, awesome, spectacular. *sighs*
How do you tell someone that the person they adore is an alcoholic? I'm hurt that she even thought it was me. She obviously judges me more than I thought.
So, I told her it wasn't me. She was relieved, but surprised... I would guess. (I don't drink a lot, regardless of what you all might think.)
She gave me some bornagain garbage about praying for their sins and being there for them. So, I emailed her back. I asked her what would happen if I became injured b/c of this individual. She asked if it was my best friend. *GAWD* she doesn't get it.
I won't tell her yet b/c I know she can't handle real stuff. You can only tell people to pray and hope it goes away for certain things. Alcoholism isn't one of them.
So, then she said for me to stay far away from them. Because, and I quote, "when you fall in the mud, you get dirty with the pigs." (Whatever that means.) What if I told her who I am talking about? Would she still tell me to stay away from them?
She taught me to endure and stick it out and let a person abuse you. She took years of verbal and sometimes physical abuse from my father (ha! father) who couldn't control his temper for his life. He would choose himself over us anyday. I hated her for that. Why couldn't she stand up for herself and kick that bastard out?
I still don't know. He still treats her like shit, then buys her gifts to make it right. I don't want gifts, I want it right. Fix it or get out.
Now, I'm stuck again w/ this quandry. I keep replaying the events in my mind. My mother never gets it.
She arrived at my house and I so wanted to cry on her shoulder and tell her everything. And I so wanted her to tell me she'd help me. And, that she loved me and wouldn't let anyone hurt me. But, she didn't. I dropped the issue.
My mother's quick fix is: pray and hope for the best.
That's why I don't goto church anymore. Because praying doesn't always cut it.
I wish I had someone to goto about this. Someone that wouldn't blame me for what happened. Someone that would give me real useful advice, let me cry, let me vent, let me do anything other than hold it in and try not to cry. To be honest, this person ruined my holidays. Completely. There's no fixing it now. I even declined to goto my Xmas party for work (not that they'd be there).
I know (KNOW!!) that if I let them stay home and I go out to a party, that temptation will arise. No w/ my kids in the house. Not anymore. I'm just glad they can't see what I see. They still love "this person." As long as this person doesn't do anything, especially in front of my babies, then I won't have to make a huge scene.
They've been warned.
Now its time to see if "they" make it right.