her-story's Diaryland diary

10:47 a.m. - Thursday, Jun. 24, 2004
You from Joisey?

You from Joisey?

It's that time again, when I feel compelled to enlighten the out-of-staters with a little information about the Garden State. (Inspired by Cranky for her post about North Dakota.)

You Might Be From New Jersey If...

You refer to the beach as the shore

You don't understand why there aren't more 24-hour diners elsewhere in the country.

You've run out of money on the Parkway.

You still can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.

You know what a "jug handle" is.

You believe the Statue of Liberty is in NJ.

You have mandatory recycling enforced by law.

You've pondered, "Maybe basketball would be more popular in NJ if the Nets didn't blow."

You have nearly been run over by a Tram Car in Wildwood.

You have been waiting the last 10 years for the Yankees to move to the Meadowlands.

You can smell when it's low tide.

You own (or owned) an annual pass to Great Adventure and had to take the monkey by-pass at the Safari cause your dad had padded-vinyl roof on his car.

Actually, my dad owned a green el torino (73) and the top was vinyl. Mom owned a blue 69 Camaro. (When I was small... not now.) I remember going through the safari after it opened (sometime in 77 I think) seeing a car getting peeled like a banana b/c they had a vinyl roof. Suckas!!)

Your car is covered in yellow-green dust in April.

You know that ACME is a supermarket, not just a Warner Bros creation.

Or what was known as Acme

You know the myth of the New Jersey devil and you think it lives as Gov. Jim McGreevy.

You remember when Hoboken was a ghetto not overpriced.

You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven.

6, actually.

You've eaten at a diner at 3 am.

You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery.

You also know that the state isn't all farmland.

Cept for Sussex and some southern counties. I'd say it's more farmland than refineries.

You know how to properly negotiate a Circle.

You knew that the last question had to do with driving.

You don't think "What exit" (do you live near?) is very funny.

When I was a freshmen in college in NY State, the Western PA people used to try to unnerve me with the "So, what exit do you live off of?" comment which would only give me the reason to say, "At least I don't live near a Steel factory or a coal mine."

You know that people from the 609 area code are "a little different".

Hence the 'comment' about 'South Jersey.'

You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls.

You've eaten a Boardwalk cheesesteak with vinegar fries.

You have a favorite Atlantic City casino.

Two: Tropicana and Harrah's

You've gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of Willowbrook Mall.

AND, finally...

You've never pumped your own gas.

Thanks to http://soli.inav.net/~catalyst/Humor/jersey.htm , http://monster-island.org/tinashumor/humor/fromnj.html , and http://monster-island.org/tinashumor/humor/fromnj2.html.

So, now that you 'think' you know more about New Jersey, let me give you some insight about the parts NOT near New York City.

First of all, not everyone had 'big hair' in the 80s. Secondly, people closer to Pennsylvania are a breed unto their own. Thirdly, people closer to Delaware seem to think that they should be considered a separate state (i.e. South Jersey). Finally, the Mason-Dixon line went through the southern most part of NJ (sad, but true) and there are people in the state that have rebel flags, hate anything NOT white, and drive dodge pickup trucks.

(I swear to it... it's true)

I took the boys to the pool yesterday and much to my pleasure and dismay the baby enjoyed the pool, isn't afraid of grass, and is quite the babe magnet. During the two or more hours I was there, we amassed over 6 girls coming over to play with the baby. Granted, he's not really a baby and they were all under 13.

I took him in the pool and he was loving the water. That is until some 6 year old girl with her bathing suit jammed up one side of her ass decided to jump into the pool nearly on my head to doggie paddle with her swimmy wings on. I can't tell you how much I hate that. Doesn't the bathing suit thing bug them? (It made me wanna pick MY bathing suit out of my ass.)

Then, when you think you're in the clear, you get some fat kid jumping cannonballs into the pool and gawking at you when you give him the finger.

(kidding...juuuuuuust kidding)

(though, mentally I wanted to drown the fat bastard)

Then, I realized that during my insecure moments IN a bathing suit that there was really no reason for me to want to hide under a towel the whole entire time. For crissakes, why are there some women who insist on wearing (tiny) bikinis. We're talking two types: very large women with all their goods popping out AND the anorexically skinny women who are wrinkly and built like 12 year old boys.

I haven't worn a bikini (mostly by choice) since I was 12. I went through my teen years wearing a speedo bathingsuit (*swimteam*) and as an adult trying to find one with a bra inside. There's NOTHING worse than wearing a bathing suit (after having some kids and such) and finding that your boobs (when you sit) connect with your hips to make a huge donut around your body. Well, I guess I'm not that bad, but I'm short-waisted, so it makes things worse.

Granted, I never wear a bathing suit that would attract shocking glances from others... I wear a black one-piece with shorts (I'm starting a fad). Since I hate that bathing suit (lack of support and such), I went on a "el cheapo" bathing suit search online. This lasted about an hour before I got fed up.

Here's some insight about bathing suits.

They are created for my gramma and the flat-chested hooker who lives next door to her.

This making you uncomfortable? Imagine being in Walmart looking for something do-able as far as a bathing suit. Do you know what I ended up with? (Me, the one who swore that the only color to be worn for years is black, dark blue, and black.)I ended up with a neon blue/green/white tankini top, matching sports bra and bottoms (to be concealed by my shorts) for the total price of $17.23.

Impressed?

I thought I was until I got home and tried the outfit on for my family. You'd think I put on a thong or something. (Remember Mr. Big-Mouth? He has a brother ya know...) The top was fine, I was told, but the bottoms were scary (blue/green/white FLOWERS- which are not indicative of ME)... #2 son said, "You are going to wear shorts with that, right?" (See, I've failed as a mother... I've failed to properly school them in the "acceptable comments to give women" category.)

*I gave them the look, all of them, to make sure none of them felt that they had to add to the comment.*

"Here's a pointer for the future- never say anything to a woman that might make her angry, give the impression that you're lying to make her feel better, or make her angry. Use TACT... here's an example: 'That bathing suit is quite colorful and bright- perfect for the summer.' instead of 'Are you going to wear shorts with that?'"

Oohhh, it's like I turned on a lightbulb for these guys. (*Rolls her eyes*)

Regardless, I am vacationing in less than a month on a beach at least 5 hours from here, and NOT in NJ. If I wear this top and shorts, who's gonna know me? (Unfortunately, that's what a good majority of those mommies must've thought yesterday at the pool...)

�

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