I worked like a dawg yesterday to finish the articles for the paper. And, after enduring 1 extremely boring presentation and a 2nd that made my eyes water, I have re-thought my purpose in life...

To torment the stupid.

Sitting in the 2nd lecture, minding my own business, quietly munching on a brownie (*evil grin*), my professor-friend leans over and says in a NOT so quiet voice..."Stupid people were created for our enjoyment."

I never EVER shushed a professor before... til now. I mean, geezus, the guy was L-O-U-D and was going to get me in trouble. I was representing a local (free) paper... and an alumni at the school... I want them to think that I've actually matured in the 5 years since I've graduated...

So, I looked at him and whispered, "OMG... shut up..." while doing this finger-shushing thing. I'll be damned if I get thrown out of a professor lecture on his account.

And, what do YOU know... nearly everyone looked...at...ME.

Damn him. I'll enact my revenge, and I promise it'll be FAR more embarassing than what he did to me.

(Even tho I silently agreed with him...)

Today, of course, was the family party for my #1 son's weekend-long party extravaganza... and... I labored most of yesterday to make food for today.
Why?
Because authentic Southern Pulled Pork takes 6 hours to cook. And, here's a mighty FYI... it was DEEEEEEE-licious. (If you want the recipe, email me, and I'll be glad to pass it along.)

And, for those of you who thought I was a lost cause when it came to brownies... I have made great strides in fixing that... because Friday night, my brownies came out... LIP SMACKING scrum-dilli-umptuous.

*waits for applause*

And, they didn't burn...

Or, turn into brownie-bricks...

And, still tasted good the next day...

And, my ass has grown 2 inches since Friday BECAUSE of these brownies...

Anyone want the rest of them?

There's like 5 left...

Really, no one's died...

...yet!

Anywho...
I get a phone call last night from my bil who said, "I'd like to reserve a table for 12 at 1, or for 1 at 12... whatever." (And started laughing...)
Thinking that he's hit the bottle again, I asked for clarification, "Uh, what are you talking about?"
Suddenly, it came a gushing like a fountain...
"I invited [Tall Girl] to your house for #1 son's birthday. I knew you wouldn't mind b/c you've known her since she was 11 (she's 34 now) and E's known her since she was born. However, she just called me to tell me that she's bringing [Supa Shy Guy] with her."
(Recap on THAT story... mom tried to fix this girl up with some guy she knows. *I* don't fix people up. I've learned that it never works. However, against all of our better judgments, mom called [Tall Girl] and then [Supa Shy Guy] and tried to fix them up. However, [Supa Shy Guy] can be a bit... odd... at times. And, [Tall Girl] is a non-stop talker.. and she actually makes ME hyper when we're around one another. (Like *I* need help...) However, we all thought that [Supa Shy Guy] was too shy for her... *shrugs* What do *I* know anyway?)

"Oh, ok... (pause to think about this) that's fine... so, uh... how do I say this delicately? (pause) She's not going to dump him at MY house, is she?"
(We both break out into hysterical laughter.)
"I don't think she'll do it tomorrow, but I'm sure it'll be soon. He's... well... too quiet for her."

So, that's how it is... noisy girl sorta-kinda-maybe is dating this EXTREMELY shy guy that my mom knows... and before I know it, they're at MY house for my son's birthday party.

And, we were all waiting to see if she would give him the brush off... however... disappointingly enough... she didn't.

But, I think they sat near one another for a grand total of 2.304 seconds, all at one time. Other than that, you'd never know that they came together.

Maybe it was the fact that they rode w/ my bil/sil and their kids... IN the minivan... the kids who are SO noisy that there's an ordinance in their own town that addresses just them. So, I'm thinking...the kids broke him or something... (I mean, if you KNEW the kids, you'd KNOW it was possible!)

Whaaaatever... all I know is that mom's walking around with this super smug look on her face... like she matched Ghandi and Mother Teresa together in a fated-love-match thing. *gag*

However, all I can think about is what [Supa Shy Guy] and [Tall Girl]'s kids would look like... 6' at birth... dark hair... and oddly LOUD with moments of lucidity and long episodes of nerve-ending SILENCE.

So, as everyone was leaving, T called me to ask me to do her a favor... (I'm the frigging Salvation Army)

Hey, [Her-Story], do me a favor will ya?

OK, what...

Can you make the macaroni for R's house on Friday?

Sure... why not... I mean, that's all I ever seem to do anymore...

Are you being a smartass?

Me? Smartass? Nevah... ok, so what do I need?

I have everything but the tomato sauce.

I have that, don't pick it up. Do you have the other stuff?

Yep... tomato sauce? Like in the CAN? I like the can... it tastes metallically tomatoish.

*GAG* No, I use PREGO... the sorta-nearly-tasty-like Italian stuff.

What's that?
((Is she serious?)

Nevermind... ya blonde. Ok... so I'll make it... and you OWE me.

And apparently EVERYONE owes me lately... soon enough I'll be picking up on the favors. So watch out!!

So, she moves from the macaroni favor to this story... and while she's telling me it, she's cracking up at the same time. I HATE when people do that. Either tell it or laugh at it. Or, even wait til you're FINISHED telling people the story before you start cracking up, because *I* have no idea what you're talking about...

Anyway, she was telling me this story...

Apparently her nephew likes breasts...at age 2. And, he likes to say the word, "BOOBIE" all of the time...especially while TOUCHING her's. She thinks it's creepy. I think it suits her. Why not, right? The girl won't date guys her age, she won't date the older ones, and HOW often do I have to listen to her bitch about how no one her age is available, and then says that men don't know how to treat women. SO, why not date a 2 year old who gropes women's boobs while screaming out "BOOBIES" to everyone? It's perfect.

And, before you get all ickified... he's not her BLOOD-related nephew.

So, now she's all freaked out about this kid squeezing her boobies and announcing that she has boobies, but doesn't seem to mind when a 48 year old barely-English-speaking-Spanish guy rubs the SIDE of her boob while dancing to see if it's real.

What's the irony in that?

Anyway, I'm pooped. I think I'm gonna find me a 2 year old to grope ME for a while...

OH WAIT... I have the 21 month old STRIPPER upstairs who's new word is BOOH-BAY. Is it me, or is the male programmed to saying BOOBIE before anything else? I see little girls say, "mama" or "dada"... but MY little soldier says, "BOOH-BAY."

I swear... they start younger every year.

Thanks to everyone who wished my son a Happy Birthday. From what he tells me, he scored $85 in cash, $25 in gift certificates, and a SLEW of other 'really cool fun stuff.'