12:11 p.m. - 2001-08-18
Edginess

Distant Past

Well, what a week I had, huh? To top it off, my FIRST actual boyfriend from many many years ago emailed me last night. Actually, I've been looking for him for years to see how he was doing. We were 14 the last time we saw one another. He was the sweetest kid. He kinda influenced the naming of one of my sons. (Shhh)

My mother felt that we shouldn't date one another. That was that.

I wish she would've minded her own business. We didn't do anything wrong. We lived far apart and she wouldn't let me call him. Ever. So, we relied on letters. After a while, I never got anymore letters. I think about it now and realize my mother probably confiscated them. I found one in her dresser once. I should've taken it, but I didn't. I didn't want her to know I had been in there. That hurt. I wouldn't be surprised if she split us up intentionly so she could remain in control at all times.

But that was long ago.

Too long in fact.

I can't believe he emailed me tho. It was a cute message, too. "So I see someone got married."

("Well, I couldn't wait around for you forever, now could I?" was my response.)

So, we'll see if he emails back. Would I pursue him? no. Like I said, it was years ago. I just wanted to keep in touch. He knew the kids who died as well. I wanted to make sure he was ok, you know. Haven't heard anything yet, but I'm sure eventually I will.

Meanwhile...

My friends (God bless em) wanted to cheer me up last night. We already had plans for dinner, but they made sure they told me how ppl have screwed them (they're mostly teachers) this year,too. I've come to a conclusion. Keep as much to myself or at least, don't devulge anything private, to the people I work with. As one friend said, "I have my friends, I won't make them my friends and I keep them at a safe distance."

(She and I both agree that most women teachers are the troublemakers, b/c she and I have had the same experience.)

The "Math" teacher "Friend" of mine (the turncoat) tried calling me yesterday. I decided to screen my calls. I don't need her trying to fix what she broke. And, I also don't want her dragging me down w/ her infernal (sp) gossiping about EVERYONE at school. This way, if I separate myself from it, people won't think I'm the gossip hound.

Its strange. She stayed in her room all of last year to avoid being the topic of conversation. Now, since the princess left for a new school, she's come out of her shell and has been 1/2 way up the administrations ass all summer. My husb warned me about that. He said, watch her... she's up to no good.

Do I learn?

Not the first time, no.

So, I'm realizing that no one is on the same team as me, not even ppl in different depts. I'm very sociable, very friendly, and, at times, very talkative (go figure). I like socializing. It makes me feel good. If I can't hang out and shoot the breeze on my breaks, then wtf am I doing in a social setting?

Well, she's changed since last year. We're both 2nd year at this school. She's one to watch. I've learned that before Sept this time, so that's a good thing.

I figure if I keep busy w/ prom stuff, advising stuff, committee work, and regular work I shouldn't have to worry about socializing much. Problem is: I'm in her room for a class or so. Hmm.. I'll have to rethink my strategy.

I'm not as upset as I had been the past two days, but I'm still edgy.

BEWARE of finding ppl from your past. As mom said, "Maybe its better you didn't know." I'm beginning to think that my mind works better w/o finding out certain things. I've been edgy all week, but today is the pinnacle.

So, to counteract that, i'm going to continue organizing my lessons/outlines/info stuff.

Have a good day.

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