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4:44 p.m. - 2001-06-13
Welcome to NJ now go home

Mocking NJ should be the National montra

"I like New Jersey because I was born in Newark and in my mind I can still hear the constant roar of McCarter Highway in the background, especially when the refrigerator is running."

"I like New Jersey because everyone around here talks the same way I do."

"I like New Jersey because, although the air sometimes smells like burnt sausage casings, at other times it smells like raspberry Jello - and I like raspberry Jello."

"I like New Jersey because every car I've ever owned, old or new, has failed inspection for emissions, so the air must be cleaner than it looks."

"I like New Jersey because we put more politicians in jail where they belong than any other state."

"I like New Jersey because my mother-in-law from Pennsylvania is afraid to come here."

"I like New Jersey because this is where I learned to swear in Italian."

"I like New Jersey because under all that concrete, Paramus is actually a pretty nice place."

"I like New Jersey because a total stranger in Teaneck once flagged down my car to bum a light, and that couldn't happen just anywhere."

((did I mention that I've lived in NJ all my life? Scary thing is, this stuff is so true!))

New Jersey: We Kick Delaware's Butt

New Jersey: The Joke's On You

New Jersey: A 55-Gallon Drum of Fun

Have Your Next Affair in New Jersey

New Jersey: More Fun Than a Bus Ride

New Jersey: Bring a Friend and Some Windex

New Jersey: Gateway to Everyplace Else

Well, There's Always New Jersey

New Jersey: Blame It on the Dog

New Jersey: Home of the Original Smell

New Jersey: You'll Get Used To It

New Jersey: Only 240 Miles and You're Out

New Jersey... Please Take Someone With You When You Leave

Plant a Body In The Garden State

I'm In a New Jersey State of Mind, But My Therapist Helps

If You Can Smell It, It Must Be New Jersey

New Jersey: Landfill of Wonder

New Jersey: New York City's left testicle

New Jersey: It's better than Baghdad

New Jersey: Don't laugh, it's paid for

((Oh, don't be offended, I personally think its hysterical))

Application to live in New Joisey



ADDRESS: ______________________

EXIT # (turnpike) ____ EXIT # (parkway)____

ETHNIC BACKGROUND: __ Italian __ Sicilian __ Jewish __Irish

BACKYARD SMELLS LIKE: __ Sewage __ Sulfur __ Garbage __ All of the above

NUMBER OF MUSCLE SHIRTS OWNED: a) 5-10 b)10-15 c)15-20 d)20 or more

NUMBER OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS: > > a) 5-10 b)10-15 c)15-20 d)20 or more

NUMBER OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS THAT ARE ALSO MUSCLE SHIRTS: a) 5-10 b) 10-15 c) 15-20 d) 20 or more

BRAND OF JEANS PREFERRED: a) Sergio Valente b) Jordache c)Sassoon d)Z.Cavaricci

PERCENTAGE OF WARDROBE WHICH IS LEATHER: a) 100% b) 95-100% c)90-95% d) 85-90%

NUMBER GOLD CHAINS OWNED: a) 10-15 b) 15-20 c)20-25 d) 25 or more

NUMBER OF GOLD CHAINS WORN AT ONE TIME: a) 5-10 b) 10-15 c)15-20 d) 20 or more

COST OF ALL THIS JEWELRY: a) $5-$10 b) $10-$15 c)$15-$20 d) Stolen



HAIR HEIGHT: a) 6-8" b) 8-12" c) 1-2' d) 2' or more

HAIR PRODUCTS USED SIMULTANEOUSLY: __ Hair Spray __ Styling Gel __ Mousse __ Extra Hold Styling Gel __ Bondo __ Spackle __ 40 Weight Oil __ Crazy Glue

PRIMARY AUTOMOBILE OWNED: a) IROC Z b) Firebird c) Camaro d) Mustang f) Chevette (You got a f?%*ing problem widdat?)

NUMBER OF INCHES CAR IS OFF THE GROUND: a) 6-8" b) 4-6" c)2-4" d) Under 2"

CHARACTERISTICS OF AUTOMOBILE: a) Gold chain around license plate b) Neon lights around license plate c) Neon lights under car d) Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging from rear view mirror e) Garter hanging from rear view mirror f) Chrome hubcaps g) Stick-on window tinting h) Stick-on paint splash stickers i) Fuzzy dice

FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM: a) F?%*ing Giants b) F?%*ing Jets c) F?%*ing Mets d) F?%*ing Yankees e) F?%*ing Nets f) F?%*ing Knicks g) F?%*ing Devils h) F?%*ing Rangers i) F?%*ing Islanders

FAVORITE MUSIC: a) Techno b) Rap c) Bon Jovi d) Bruce Springsteen

FAVORITE PROFANITY: a) mother*****r b) ****sucker c) sc*mb*g

RELIGIOUS STATUES AT GRANDPARENTS' HOUSE: a) 5-10 b)10-15 c) 15-20 d) 20 or more

RELATIVES NAMED "SAL": a) 5-10 b) 10-15 c) 15-20 d) 20 or more

RELATIVES NAMED "COOKIE": a) 5-10 b) 10-15 c) 15-20 d) 20 or more

RELATIVES NAMED "VINNIE": a) 5-10 b) 10-15 c) 15-20 d) 20 or more > >

FAVORITE INTERNATIONAL DESTINATION: a) Asbury Park b) Seaside Heights c) Hoboken d) Great Adventure e) Secaucus outlets

FAVORITE DRIVING TECHNIQUE a) tailgating b) attacking stop signs c) doing 106 on the right shoulder of the parkway d) giving the finger to slow, elderly drivers (unrelated) e) giving the finger to slow, elderly drivers (own grandparents)

((and better yet, the Miss NJ Pagent revived))

Contestants will compete in these categories:

Geography: Contestants must match the names Jersey towns with the applicable Parkway exits.

Obstacle Course: Contestants must: apply makeup, drink coffee, light a cigarette, and flip off pedestrians while driving through a traffic circle.Bonus for talking on a cell phone.

Steadiness: Contestants compete for the longest possible ash hanging off a Marlboro Light 100.

Hair Spray Endurance: Contestants are placed one by one in a wind tunnel, the contestant who can withstand the highest velocity wind without her hair moving is the winner.

Balance: Contestants must navigate the Wildwood Boardwalk in 4" heels without breaking an ankle.

Consumer Smarts: Contestants are left at a Secaucus outlet mall with $500. The one emerging with the most Chanel knock-offs wins.

Chemistry: Contestants must identify the drink with the Roofie in it by only look and smell.

Lung Capacity: Who can blow the biggest bubble?

Musical Talent: Who knows the most Madonna songs by heart?

Geography 2: Given a Jersey town, contestants must name the nearest mall.

Swimsuit Competition: Swimsuits must show all tattoos and navel piercings.

We won't actually be able to get the crown on the winner's hair, but Miss

Jersey Girl and will receive a year's supply of Coors Light and a brand new Camaro IROC-Z.

((What's even more special is that NJ is so much like the 80's. Some trends NEVAH end.))


I grew up in NJ and when I went to college in NY, I had this blue and yellow t-shirt that said, "Welcome to New Jersey, now go HOME."

Ya gotta love us, who else would put up w/ PA and NY?



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