8:58 a.m. - Friday, Nov. 02, 2001
Mothers, who needs em??
For a while I've been griping about my mother and her seemingly obvious avoidance of me, her only child. Again, I've proven my point via email with her.
I emailed her a few days ago to tell her that she never listens to what I say, and compares me all of the time with her "born again" friends. I'm her daughter, and for the past 10 years, have been her only child. She is concerned because I don't attend church. I don't attend church for several reasons. I haven't gone to church in several years. I don't feel that I have to define why I don't goto church any longer to my mother. I also don't feel the need to hide things from her or explain my actions. I'm an adult, and she tries to manipulate me as she sees fit. I'm tired of having to defend myself...
Its not like I'm doing anything illegal or immoral or anything. Sheesh.
So, I'm tired of playing this cat and mouse game via email with her. I thought that if I wrote down that I want her to be my mom and not my minister, she'd get the message. Apparently, she took that to mean that I am asking her to choose God or me.
She chose God.
My emotions are totally mixed on this. I'd choose my kids over anything in the world. I love my kids and spend time with them, I even TALK to them about things. My mom never calls. I get a call occassionally dripping with guilt and rudeness or combined with a dose of religious scriptures to force me back to church through guilt.
That's one of the reasons I won't go back to any church. I'm not any religion at the moment, but to tell my mother that... it'd be like a knife thru her face. (So she explained it to me.)
I want her to stay away from the religious speak for a moment and address me as her daughter. Apparently, I've been replaced by several "young" women at church who actually GO TO church. She also told me how she feels "motherly" towards them b/c their mothers aren't christians like she is.
Maybe they'll adopt me.
I didn't think it would upset me as much as it is, but its unbelieveable. All I want is my mother. She is all *I* have. I have no other siblings. I have a father who thinks I'm stupid and ignorant (and has since I was a little kid). I'm their "object" not their daughter. I have no relationship with them, mostly because they never welcomed me into one. When my brother was alive, they had him. They loved him, fought with him, got angry at him, bought him a car. They just accepted I was there and I did the chores.
Indentured Servitude, that's what I saw it as.
I couldn't wait to go away to camp, college, on my own, because that would mean that I wouldn't be continually ignored anymore. Apparently, that hasn't changed.
So, moving out of the state probably wouldn't be an issue now, except that mom would make me feel guilty for not flying in once a month to take my grandmother foodshopping. (I'm not lying...she would.)
I'm just not sure where I am in that family. I've disassociated myself from every living relative, except for my grandmother, who I need to call. I am alone, and have chosen to accept that. I know that one day, when both my parents are gone, I will still be alone.
Their need to become something more has left me behind. My life doesnt' concern them anymore unless it goes against their Biblical practices.
Just breaks my heart. I wish she understood. She never will.
*back to work*