11:47 a.m. - 2001-07-07
Out of sorts way too often
I'm out of sorts way too often. I'm tired, but get plenty of sleep. I'm bored, but have plenty to do. I'm cranky, but really don't have a reason. Etc...
Last night, I was shanghi'd to go out for dinner at a restaurant over an hour from my house w/ 16 of my closest friends. (We went to college together, and now are basically all teachers.) I wasn't into going last night, and normally I'm the life of the party.
I just sat there, at the end of the table, staring out the window at traffic (or lack thereof), sighing, and having people ask me all night if I was ok. I guess I'm ok, I'm not really sure. I have a lot on my mind lately, and anxiety towards teaching on Monday (w/o knowing WHERE I'll be...for starters) doesn't help things.
I found out that I missed out on a great job opportunity at the h.s. I had wanted to work at (but they could only, at the time, offer me a replacement position). UGH. I missed it *again* First, I turn down the replacement position (maternity) b/c I wanted permanent. They wanted to HIRE me on the spot, during my first interview. Now, a friend I know who took the next available position tells me that had she known that I would've left the h.s. I'm at, she would've told them I was available. This is called... marketing yourself. I know the whole dept at this other h.s. It's the same amt of time away from me, w/ a tougher admin, dept chairs, and my previous co-op teacher who I LOVE to death. Plus its also block scheduling.
I wish I knew. *sighs*
I don't want to leave this h.s. b/c I made friends there...and I happen to like *some* of the kids, but I don't see myself growing as a teacher here. My potential is rotting. Lucky me.
I told a few of my friends last night, who have been trying to urge me to leave this h.s., and they felt bad at my missed oppty. I told my friend at that h.s. to keep an ear open, call me if anything opens. I'd gladly go there. Even tho I think the teacher's lounge is an evil entity there. The school has more potential than that.
But, back to my somber mood. I'm not depressed. I just have WAY TOO much spinning in my head. I worry too much, I contemplate what if's, and I try to plan for the future way too often. Besides that, I always over analyze past things. Thursday night has been on my mind for a while. *sighs*
So, needless to say, DON"T get worried (for those of you who I do know and that have my home phone number). I'm ok, not crazy, just the wheels are turning at a quick speed in the ole hampster cage.
I sometimes wonder if I even know how to relax. I'm always tense, I can't even sleep well w/o waking with something tensed up.
I have tons of questions floating in my mind. On vacation, the first day, I even wrote them down on paper. It took up 2 sheets, both sides. I feel like a walking "why" book. Maybe its because mom/dad never answered my "why" questions. Maybe I really haven't grown up mentally. (That would explain the suckass GRE scores.)
Speaking of which... WHAT WILL I BE WHEN I GROW UP?
Ever feel that there's always something ELSE waiting behind the door of opportunity? And, I keep missing it. Or that's how I feel. I don't know what I want to do. I've always wanted to teach, but this past year didn't fill that need. I don't know if I chose the wrong career or if I just am at the wrong school. My friends last night, most of which I've known since we were beginning the education program, say its the school. I am sociable, I'm not afraid of confrontation (obviously, if you've experienced MY past year), and I love history (they call me the history geek).
I don't know. My first year disappointed me. There's so much I haven't learned. There's much more I wanted to learn, but no one taught me. I did it, wrong, and had to relearn it. I'm a professional learner. I want to know "why" all of the time. If no one knows, I go into research mode. I saw Braveheart, years ago, when it was in the movies. I was so interested in the character, that I went to the college library the next day and researched William Wallace and Robert the Bruce, as well as the Edwards. I'm a history geek. Give me a history question and I'll seek out the answer.
Teaching is a whole different ball of wax. I've met 1 of my 90 US I kids who lovvvvvvvvvves history as much as I do. I want to help them love history, but they are so UNMOTIVATED. Oh Geezzz. I've given them trivia about certain important people, I've tried telling them goofy stuff to get them interested. I'm lacking the "hook" as they called it in college. I can't catch them and reel them in, all of the time.
And, I wonder if the relationships I make in my life are helpful or harmful or I'm just too damned stupid to know the difference.
I find myself getting myself into situations that require someone else telling me its wrong or right. Its as though blinders are on and I only see straight ahead. I could sit and wonder things like this for hours upon hours. Sometimes I can't sleep at night, or not well at all, pondering these thoughts.
I have this weird urge to write. I'm not a writer, but wish I could be. I tried writing a journal, but it is inconsistent. So, I thought this would help me gather my thoughts and let me free my mind of these overwhelming questions and concepts.
Does this make me crazy? I hope not.
I'm a latent intellectual who has no one here that she can talk to in a deep and theological way. (Non-religiously btw.) In college, I used to have deep conversations about history and other theories with other people in my field, but now that I'm out...its hard to strike a conversation up with anyone. Especially in my house. I often find myself not being taken seriously. Probably because I goof around sometimes. But, I need to talk. Not about myself, but to say the questions mulling around in my head so that other people can tell me if I'm on or off.
HOpefully I'm on.
I don't like being off, like today, it makes me perplexed and stuff.
Then I start playing sedated songs on my Napster and writing long journals and stuff that people probably don't read, or read and wonder what drugs I'm taking.
(I'm not, btw, just to clarify)
Why am I a rules person? Why do things have to be cut and dry? Why do I study in lists and colors instead of straight from my notes? Why do I have to wear certain colors? Why do I feel awkward around certain people? Why are there times that I feel quiet and other times when I'm off the wall? Why do I feel as tho I don't have anyone close enough to tell my personal feelings to? Why do I set myself up for disappointment? Why don't I know what I want in my job?
Ok, whew... I feel a little better.
But there's more. I won't punish with all that though, its little things. (And a few bigger)
Ok, I may be back later... til then