3:06 p.m. - Tuesday, Jul. 11, 2006
lilly pads on a rock
Last night I couldn't sleep. The strain of this thesis is really weighing me down. I worked on it from 9pm until 2:30am and I'm no closer to finishing than I was last week. Its this stupid first chapter, my inability to transition well, and my lame-ass topic sentences.

The more I write, the more I hate it. Its painful... robotic... stiff... boring. I wish that I could write freely without having to worry about doing the "intellectually proper" thing called "Citing."

I don't plagiarize, intentionally, nor would I want to. With MY luck, I'd get caught, arrested, kicked out school, end up on the news, and ostracized from everywhere.

Then, my stomach knot came back when I started to think about teaching... and how little time I have to actually FINISH this thesis and study for my comp exams... while wondering what I should teach and how and if I'd be any good.

Its weird... I feel as though I'm in this plastic bubble looking out with sweaty palms and staggered breath. I feel a panic attack about to explode from within me... and I don't have panic attacks.

Do I want this? Do I really want this? For years I've been whining about wanting another chance... all the while I've been at home, enjoying (mostly) my time with #3 son. I'm going to MISS him... and our days... and napping on the couch together... and fighting over lunch... because in September, he won't be my baby any longer, but a pre-preschool kid spending every day (ALL DAY) in a strange place with strange people and I will no longer BE the one who holds him when he cries or kisses his booboos... because I will be struggling to guide tomorrow's leaders as they attempt to manipulate and whine their way through my classes.

I'm honestly afraid. I didn't think that I would be. The more I thought about what I wanted to say, how I wanted to act, and what I wanted to do, I started to tense up and clench my teeth.

What have I done? Oh geezus, I'm a teacher again and am not sure if I can do it.

My friend, S, said, "You need to FORGET that other school and everything that happened..."

She's right, ya know, but I'm not sure that I will be able to.

I feel so unpolished, so new, so green, so unsure... this shouldn't be scary for me... this should be exciting and fun and vitalizing... but, instead I have this fear pooling up inside of me... and I know that if I can't cut it here that I won't be able to make it elsewhere.

Maybe its Prof. Weasle's creepy voice squawking in my brain, "You write like an 8th grada... will you evah learn how to write?"

I thought I could write... now I'm not so sure. I also thought I could teach... now I am not sure of that either.

What's wrong with me??

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